Sorry This Took So Long Robin… Blogapy

robin williams, patch adams, blogapy, Tracey Gamer Fanning, suicide, ptsd,

Tonight I’m finally able to write this. Finally… tonight… I can make a little more sense of this all.

Tonight I went to a Bat Mitzvah. It was such a perfect night. I got to see my Family/Friends… “Framily”… I’ve know for over 35 years!

People who’ve known me through all my phases! 8 year old…Loser Geek, 15… and way too into boys Geek, 25 and settled down Geek, 30… Mom Geek… And currently…43, all of the above and soooo much more! And I am… on this night… the happiest geek of all!

To me… Robin Williams was Zip, Bang, Nanoo Nanoo, squeal, spontaneously combustible whole belly laughter… wrapped in rainbow suspenders and a red clown nose.

Tonight I danced with my Husband. Well… something Robin Williams probably would have described as The White Man’s Overbite meets Dysfunctional Robot Swag Sway.

Its kinda where your feet don’t move… but your upper body is on fire!

Last night, I was Robin Williams… starring in Saturday Night Fever… stuck in cement.

Now, before you go feeling too bad… every once in a while Greg would spin me… and catch me before falling over… both of us giggling.

But, when you are Robin Williams, the most animated person alive… what do you do when a doctor tells you that some of that will fade… in front of the whole world.

When I woke up after surgery in 2006… I was paralyzed on the left side of my body. I was so scared and so sad. They are no words in the English language… or in ANY language to describe the despair.

I remember crying… weeping…but I couldn’t go anywhere to hide. Hell… I couldn’t even roll over to bury my face in that horrible plastic hospital pillow!

But I worked and worked… and gained back most of my physical abilities. And, eventually, it all became part of who I am today. It actually made me a hell of a lot stronger than I was before.

And, I still work on it every day. Most days no one… and I mean no one can tell that my left side still doesn’t work so well…and sometimes I’m a little shaky.

The very idea of that, to Robin Williams, must have been unthinkable.

When you are Robin Williams, the moving fireball show of happiness and laughter… the thought of any of that diminishing before people’s eye must have been unimaginable.

I really wish I knew Michel J. Fox personally. I think he and I would have a lot in common… besides the shaking!

When people hear you have Brain Cancer or Parkinson’s… WE (meaning the patients) are screaming from the inside that “It’s Still Me… I’m Still Funny and Smart… and Sexy”! PLEASE stop talking to me like… I’m damaged goods.

NOW, current day… I’m a well respected Non-Profit Co-Founder and President, Patient Advocate, Spokesperson, Consultant, Blogger, Mom, Wife, etc.

But back then… in that bed… I didn’t know that would be the future.

Back then all I saw were eyes filled with pity.

Thinking… not knowing… that my truly best days… my best life… was still ahead of me.

Dear Mork, Garp, Captain My Captain… and Dearest Patch Adams,
The world will miss your essence… I wish I had the chance to get to know you as the culmination of all your amazing characters… and Parkinson’s. I imaging we would have had a firepit night… one of my favorites! Me, you and Michael J. Fox… hanging out, shaking and laughing.

Last night… only 2 weeks before my Miraculous 8 year Brainniversary… I got to dance with my FRAMILY! Until of course the strobe lights and the “Thump Thump” kids music started… reminding me that the Brain Cancer Clock Tower had stuck. And then my White Knight carried his Brain Tumor Geeky Princess to the Chariot at a whopping 9:30.

But I made it to 9:30 with the biggest goofiest grin on my face. One Robin Williams would have been tickled by.

I’ll miss you Robin.

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