Why me and 007… Blogapy

Why me and 007? Blogapy

I’m up at 3am…not because I’m in pain. Not because I’m nauseous and not because I had a seizure. I’m up because I was INSPIRED over the weekend!

And I wanted to add an “I” person to my list.

Unfortunately I can’t tell you his name…because he actually is 007. Or as he calls it “A Spook”.

But I’ve spent a lot of time talking to 007 over the weekend. And I finally had the balls to email the commander of the Navy and ask why he picked me to be a part of this very important panel. This is actually part of what I wrote to him…

Tag line: Curious?
Part of my email: Just out of curiosity… Why did you select me to participate? How did you get to me?
I know…really intriguing text…I’m a master at engaging in true black and white conversation…basically calling him out on Why me??? Are you crazy????

Here’s part of his response:
In reply to your question…You impressed me off the bat as a person that has encountered great challenges and confronted them with bravery and humility. There is a fragility in your countenance blended with determination and passion….that blend only comes through trials…Your experiences and the challenges you continue to face are very parallel and relevant to PTSD/TBI survivors regardless of the cause of onset. I appreciate your bravery…even when you are still in fear

I know…Oh my god!

And then tonight I think I figured it out after talking with 007.

After I came home from the hospital…after my ex-husband left and my dad died…I tried to look normal. I would tell my ex, when he would ask how the kids were doing…I would actually say that as long as I was showered and had make-up on…that they would have no idea that I was still sick.

Translation…If I looked OK…then I was OK.

To this day…I still believe that. I still use my medication to make sure I look o.k. When I take it…no one will see the shaking. No one will see my head hurting so much that I have to lie down. No one will see me throw up. No one will see me have a seizure. And if I can be “me”…without all the physical disabilities…then I act like “me”.

That’s what this medicine did…It allowed me to look and feel like the Pre-Brain Cancer…Pre-Tragedy “me” and go on to do something so important with my life.

3 weeks ago 007 got his MM card. He explained how much it changed his life. You see 007 is in his 50’s. He was a spy during the cold war. He’s seen and experienced the kind of stuff none of us can imagine. And I’m so truly sorry for him. I’m sorry that the kind of life he led has turned him into an isolated man with terrible memories. Memories that made him live in the past.

Well suddenly…he’s dreaming of a future. He wants to live the rest of his life giving back. Volunteering…meting friends…being “him”. Instead of taking all of the prescribed Oxycontin, Ativan, Ambient…etc…and on and on and on…I guess this is just one other option.

It has allowed me…and “him” to move forward. Move out of disabled into being ABLED…and more than that…give back and make others lives better!

I guess that’s what I bring to this program. So…in that light…I’m going to get a little more involved in the 3 R’s program. They’ve invited me to go to Washington D.C. after the holidays and I said…”Sure…I’d love to.”

So…here goes nothing…thanks 007!


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